Tyler's First Appearance in a Stars Uniform!

Oh Tyler Seguin, you are just too cute in that Stars jersey! Yikes, we may have to change the name of this blog from Swords & Sticks to Swords & Seguins because Saucer can't seem to talk about anything other than Tyler lately.

CLICK HERE FOR THE PRESSER FULL OF TYLER ADORABLENESS

I think he did a nice job addressing the Twitter fiasco and did an even better job of shutting down the talk about it. We all know the media would have loved to have focused on that but he explained himself, apologized, and ended it. Nice job kiddo.

But just a couple things Tyler...

1. Don't listen to what anybody says about where to live. Didn't you read this post?? Grapevine is the place to be! OK, it's not. It's actually filled with families. But, like I mentioned before, we could trade babysitting duties and it would be much more convenient (for me) if you were in Grapevine. I'll watch Marshall when you're on the road and you can babysit my kiddo when I want to go out. Trust me, it's a win-win for you. My kid is ridiculously cute and is basically a chick magnet. No lie, if you knew how many pictures she took with the Ice Girls last year you'd be seriously impressed.
2. I tried to pre-order your jersey and I'm being told that it's a ridiculously long wait for the new jerseys. So...please tell the team somebody stole the jersey they gave you at the presser and send it to Saucer. Thanks!

Kisses!
~Saucer

Tyler Seguin is Moving to Dallas, Y'all!

The momma bear inside of Saucer is fucking roaring at all the shit talk coming out of Boston right now. Fuck those assholes Tyler. As soon as I'm back from vaca I'm ordering my new-logo #19 #91 jersey. I've adopted you in my head as my new hockey son so here is some serious advice for adapting to your new team.

I once worked in an extra toxic workplace. I was significantly younger than my co-workers and they judged the hell out of me for my social activities, for being more productive than they were, for pretty much everything. Did I party a little too much? Yeah, but I was 23 years old, what the fuck do you expect? Did it ever impact my work performance? Yes, but very rarely. Their stupid, boring, adult drama impacted their performance too. I mean seriously, how often did their nasty kids get sent home from school sick, forcing them to 'work from home'?? Now that I have a kid I realize those fuckers milked that shit for everything they could. Losers. But for the most part everybody was really nice to me - well, nice to my face. So what did they do the second I left for a better job? They abso-fucking-lutely tossed my ass under a big, fat, bus.

Listen Tyler, people who are unhappy and scared they are going to get called out for their own lack of performance have this nifty little trick they pull to divert attention away from their own faults - they blame somebody who isn't there anymore. The best scapegoat is the last person to leave a job. What?  You need that report? Oh, Saucer was supposed to do that. What? We lost in the finals? Seguin was out partying! People often advise not to listen to what people say, shake it off, focus on yourself. Fuck that. Listen to every piece of trash people say and use it to drive yourself to prove them wrong. Show them Dallas got a fucking steal in this trade. You are a goddamn superstar you are going to tear shit up with the Stars. 

I don't know why I love giving you lists kiddo. No, I'm not old enough to be your mom so think of me as your extra cool, super worldly older sister. Anyway, here is a little friendly advice:

1. Chill on the partying and get a roommate. It's fine to go out but keep it quiet. Luckily 90% of the city won't recognize you anyway so unless you purposefully draw attention to yourself you should be fine. 
2. This is Texas. Saucer is pretty much the only liberal here. Just keep that in the back of your head and get used to people asking what church you go to. Don't lie and don't pretend to be something you're not. Just be respectful. This means be careful on twitter too. Just saying...if only he had read this...
3. Be nice to the fans. There might not be as many of us as in Boston but we are a loyal group and like to know we are appreciated. So be nice, pose for pictures with us, give pucks to kids. ..wait, just mine. Only give pucks to my daughter. Don't worry, that kid has mad skills and you'll know who she is within the first month of the season. Anyway, be nice and at least pretend to like us and our city. 
4. You have good personality, don't hide it. After one short season Stars fans love Antoine Roussel. He showed heart and had boat loads of personality. You're charismatic as hell and you speak understandable English so you are a shoo-in for new fan favorite. Don't turn into the weird, pouty, not-fun, shell of himself Kaner morphed into after the lockout ended. You don't have to be a complete hockey-bot to play well and have fan-love.

So again, welcome to Dallas, we're thrilled you are here. And if you need a dog sitter for Marshall the Saucer family has you covered. No, seriously, that dog is cute as fuck.

Kisses!!
~ Saucer 

Oh good lord, Segs to Dallas??

Oh good Lords, Segs to Dallas? Now I adore Loui so part of this is really upsetting, but I also adore Tyler Seguin. Also, creepy people googling even creepier things having to do with Tyler's abs drive the most hits to this blog, so WELCOME TO DALLAS TYLER!!!!

Tyler, here are a few things to know in preparation for the move to Dallas:

1. Most of the city has no idea about hockey and may not even realize the Stars are an NHL team. Don't take offense to this - embrace it! You can go pretty much anywhere without being recognized (unless I'm there) and that is a gift. 

2. I sit in section 120 at the #AAC (This is REALLY important to know)

3. Stars players seem to love the Rangers so quickly make friends with a baseball player and you'll fit right in

4. Grapevine is the coolest part of the city and absolutely where you want to live. OK, that is a lie. But it's where I live and I have a pool so come on over for a BBQ. I even promise not to hit on you (much).

5. There are lots of girls in Dallas, lots of HOT girls, who wear very little clothing during the summer. While this is awesome (hey, I can look too) I don't want you to knock up some chick as soon as you get here so please, please use protection.

6. In order to live in Texas you must love Whataburger and Dr. Pepper. Don't ask why, it's just a Texas thing.

7. You have just increased the Stars hotness score by about 50 points so thank you for that.

Kisses!

~Saucer

Conference Finals Synopsis (Saucer Style) - Games One(s)

Here are a couple things Saucer learned in the Game 1's tonight

Sharpie is a hockey god

Bolland, you are a bitch. Keep your fucking skates on the ice. But Carts, way to stand up for your man

Crosby, Chara will FUCKING destroy you and your glass jaw

Um, was I the only person who saw Tyler Seguin licking his lips suggestively on the bench? Fuck Segs, you are hot with that goddamn beard

And Tuukka shut out those whiny little bitches in their own house. You may not be my favorite goalie, hell you aren't even my favorite Finnish goalie, but tonight I am your fan

Kisses!

~Saucer

What a Wonderful World!!!

I must begin with a huge WELCOME BACK to Ryan O'Reilly! Just like it happened with the lockout, all my anger disappeared once he signed! In fact, I jumped over to my fantasy league as quickly as my little fingers could type and picked him up for my team. Do I think he was overpaid? Not.My.Problem.

I know my girl mizzougirl3 has to be thrilled!!

The other amazing news this week was the release of this ad for Under Armour.

We all know this blog has a fondness for Tyler Seguin's abs but now we need to add Tyler Seguin's chest, arms and thighs to that list. GodDAMN Tyler!

Kisses!

~Saucer

Still Love Ya Segs

Holy crap people need to stop being such freakin weirdos over the Tyler Seguin tweet from the other day. OK, he took it down and yes I’m sure a lot of people saw it before he did. But seriously, if you are going to proposition anybody on the internet, not just a smoking hot hockey player, you should expect that others are going to see it. Learn your lesson kiddos, don’t send creepy emails and don’t send nekked pics. Anything you send via text, email, facebook, twitter, etc should be something you are comfortable with your grandma viewing. Nothing is private!

OK, so it was kind of an asshole move to post the messages without blurring the dude’s name. Not cool Segs. But let’s not turn this into something it isn’t. I don’t think Segs was posting it because it was a guy, I would guess he would post the same type of message from a girl. It sounded a little wacky and he didn’t know what to say. Which is exactly what he said, right? In the words of Tyler Seguin “IDK what to say”. OK, nothing homophobic, nothing offensive about that. So quit freakin calling him names, making stuff up, and trying to turn this into something it isn’t.

Don’t worry kiddo, Saucer’s got your back!

Kisses!

~Saucer

NHL is Back, Bitches!

Praise Jesus, the NHL is back and Saucer is ridiculously excited for the Stars home opener on Saturday. So let's go over a few things rolling around in Saucer's head today.

1. I follow a lot of NHL teams on twitter and so far it seems the Stars are doing way more for their fans than any other organization in light of all that has happened. Sixteen free tix for season ticket holders, free tickets for kids under 12 through all of January & February, and discounted tickets to all games for college students. Plus, according to the Stars twitter account there is more to come.

2. Fuck my life, Patrick Kane looks hot. Yes, even with the cut lip. Couldn't be happier than he's back on American soil.

Click here to see sweet Patrick on Blackhawks TV

3. I'm a bit stressed about the Ryan O'Reilly situation. The Avalanche need to step up and freaking sign him -- like NOW. 

4. Just booked my tickets to Phoenix and I'll get to see the Blackhawks @ Coyotes while I'm there. Ah, you know Saucer...she can't pass up an opportunity to fangirl over Kaner!!

5. The schedule -- this was #1 on my list yesterday but now that I've had enough time to obsess over every detail I've calmed down. So here are some highlights/disappointments:

1. I will only see the Avalanche play once this year. UGH. Had there not been a lockout I would have seen them five times. Yes, FIVE times. 
2. I won't see the Flyers at all this year. Even if there hadn't been a lockout I wouldn't have seen them in Dallas but I had planned to go to the Flyers @ Canucks game which now will not happen. Another huge disappointment.
3. I'll get to see Jagr a whole lot. This is fantastic!
4. Stars schedule highlights: Ducks three times, Hawks, Coyotes, Blues, Canucks, Flames, Sharks, Kings, and Wild all twice. Oilers, Preds, Avalanche, Blue Jackets, Red Wings once. 

6. Tonight there is an NHL special on Gabe Landeskog. DVR is set and Saucer will be parked in front of the TV with a bowl of popcorn. 

7. My stupid fantasy league has decided to redraft. Fucking douches. I'ts not my problem they drafted poorly the first time. I'm extra annoyed because I had a sweet team with Duchene, Toews, Kane, and Varly. BOO on my stupid league!

8. Saucer fan-favorite, Tyler Seguin, has been full of delightfulness this week. The article about his ridiculously messy apartment was hilarious but I refuse to judge. Saucer's dorm room smelled so bad her freshman year Beddee didn't even want to visit. The things I found when moving out -- yikes! Plus I didn't do my own laundry until I was 21. So Segs, fuck those bitches. I still think you are dreamy. Segs has also become a twitter ninja - taking down tweets so fast most of the world doesn't even notice. But Saucer always notices...

Kisses!

~Saucer

Oh Segs...

So I've been a little grumpy lately. I'm grumpy about the lockout and that the World Juniors games are seriously cutting into my sleep schedule. I'm grumpy that Canada beat USA and as a result of a bet I made I had to denounce my country on Twitter and pledge allegiance to Canada. I'm grumpy that I can't retweet anything from my beloved Kaner for the next week because I don't want him to think I'm a turncoat...so yeah, things aren't all unicorns and rainbows for Saucer right now.

But wait, are the storm clouds parting? And what is that noise? Angels playing harps while Josh Groban sings? Nope, it's that Bruins beauty, and Saucer favorite, Tyler Seguin basically outing himself as a hockey fan fiction reader on twitter and replacing all of the negativity I've been feeling with pure delight.

 

 

I wouldn't normally post something on here which contained a direct link to a fan fiction site - not because I think our readers would be freaked out but because I think a lot of authors would be upset if the people they write about actually saw their stuff. But..since Segs tweeted it and he has 8 billion followers I'm OK with the screenshot. Plus the link isn't directly to a fic but to a page which definitely contains a lot of fic (and damn good fic I might add).

 

So what is so hilarious about this? Well...in order for Segs to find this he was likely either googling his name (I google 'Saucer' all the time so no judgement there) or he was out there reading fic and stumbled across this. God help me I want Tyler Seguin to be a reader of hockey fic more than you can ever imagine so I'm going with the latter. But also because he's been such a passive aggressive bitch with Tyler Brown lately and this tweet was the icing on the cake. Whenever Tyler posts something about his girlfriend Segs quickly replies with a joking comment (is it really joking, Segs) and then usually posts something Kaner related within a day or two. We get it Segs, you miss Tyler. You are trying to make him jealous. But Segs, everybody knows Kaner is taken so if you need to make Tyler jealous Saucer is wiling to take one for the team and be your fake, online girlfriend. I know, I know, it's a major sacrifice for me to make but I'm classy like that and it's the least I can do. #callmemaybe

 

Kisses!

~Saucer

Thanksgiving

Even though I'm still bitter about the lockout and maybe wanted to dick punch every player vomiting PR bullshit on twitter yesterday, I have much to be thankful for so I would like to dedicate this post to all of those things.

First, I'm thankful that Patrick Kane is not only awesome at hockey but also really, really hot. Bonus for being American, I'll eat some turkey for you Kaner.

Second, I'm thankful for whoever made the jeans that Semyon Varlamov is wearing in this pic. Jesus Christ, Varly. I've never wanted to be a piece of clothing before but I would love to be those jeans. Yeah...I'm sleazy like that.

Third, I am thankful for shirtless Tyler Seguin pictures. "Tyler Seguin shirtless" is the google search which drives the most people to this blog. No lie, it's in the stats and we get dozens of hits every day due to Tyler's amazing body. But sorry Tyler, we also get hits from creepy searches for young boys so I get the impression it's not all hot, single girls and boys checking out your pics.

And the "real Saucer", the girl behind the mask (ha ha), is thankful for her amazing family and friends, her health, a great job, and the reelection of President Obama. The mimosas are flowing as I take a break from cooking to post this and I'm reminded there are more important things than the NHL lockout. Thanks to all the men and women in the armed forces and everyone who helps to keep my family safe and free. I'm most thankful for you and all you do for my country. Fuck, who am I kidding? Why lie? I'm most thankful for Patrick Kane. Sigh...

Kisses!
~ Saucer

Happy Birthday Patrick Kane!

Twenty-four years ago today Saucer was a wee girl in a small North Dakota town, most likely trading Garbage Pail Kids with her friends and listening to her favorite Debbie Gibson tape, when the ever delightful Patrick Kane was born. Happy Birthday @88PKane. I celebrate your day by watching YouTube videos of your highlights and making sure every person in my office building is aware of your special day.

We are glad you are playing hockey, and glad you are having fun, but I really hope the lockout ends soon because I don’t think I can take many more pics of you and Segs.

Glassy eyes, open shirts, and seriously, what is Segs doing with that hand? With pics like this all over the internet (thanks to Tyler Seguin’s twitter account)  I expect Jonathan Toews to sign with a Swiss team within the next week. Go get your boy Johnny.

Kisses!

~Saucer

Still Whining...

Sorry everybody, I’ve been too depressed to write about hockey lately. I’m ONE profile shy of completing Round 1 (it’s going to be Logan Couture) but I just am too sad to write. OK, maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit because I've actually been watching quite a bit of hockey. I'm catching the Sioux on TV - thank God for Fox Sports Central. Wait, did I actually thank God for a Fox network? What is happening to me? Anyway, lots of Sioux on TV and I've been catching AHL and Junior games live as often as possible.

But I really do need to stop following the news on the CBA negotiations. There will be promising news and I get my hopes way up, even though I know I shouldn’t, only to have them stomped on soon after. It’s sad, it’s depressing, and I really, really miss the NHL.

You know what doesn’t help? Pictures like this:

UGH, I don’t want them to have fun together. I want them miserable, sad, crying, and wanting to be back playing in the US!

On the other hand, you know what does help (a little)?

What is the point of these? Who cares, they are freakin hilarious! I hope like hell their NHL teammates are already printing color copies of these to plaster all over their lockers EVERY DAY once the NHL is back.

Other upsetting news, although my BFF @0kollberg promised me he would take good care of Landy, he hurt his head! He needed stitches! He is having headaches! Sweden, listen up here: TAKE CARE OF MY CAPTAIN!

Yesterday was Veteran’s Day, Beddee is off work today which is so unfair, and one of my very favorite players, Erik Johnson, pledged to donate for each time this was RT’d before midnight:

So guess what? He donated $36,000 last night. With politics and CBS negotiations polluting my timeline with negativity Erik Johnson was a bright, shining, happy star. Erik, you inspire us. Thank you for reminding us that there are way more important things in the world than an NHL lockout.

Kisses!

~Saucer

All By Myself...

If you've ever read this blog you are well aware that Saucer has four great hockey loves lusts. Semyon Varlamov, Danny Briere, Patrick Kane, and Mike Richards.

A little part of Saucer died when Varly didn't return from Russia and decided to play with the Lokomotiv during the lockout. But it was understandable, it made sense. I didn't feel too betrayed.

So yeah, maybe there were tears, maybe there was whining but overall I survived. After all, my other 3 favorite boys were still on the continent.

Then Danny left. Maybe I hid in a dark room and rocked back and forth for a few days. But at least he was with Claude.

Of course there has been talk about Patrick Kane going to play in Europe but I kept hearing that he was hoping to play with Toews, and fuck if I don't love that bromance, so I wasn't too upset about it. And then, earlier today, Patrick Kane broke my heart.

WTF Patrick? Running to Tyler?? You are supposed to go with Johnny! What are you doing? Haven't you been paying attention at all? Danny & Claude set such a good example for you. What is your problem??? Won't you miss this?? 

Tazer + Kaner > Segs + Kaner

So only one of Saucer's best boys is still around. The ever handsome Mike Richards has been practicing with some of the Jets. Stay there Richie, stay there! Please do not go to Europe!

I blame Tyler Seguin for all of my heartbreak and all I have to say is Tyler, stay away from Richie, stay far, far away!

Kisses, Tears, and Sniffles!

~ Saucer

Tyler Seguin - Boston Bruins

In preparation for the upcoming season I am going to feature one player from every team in the NHL. Goalies are excluded because they’re interesting enough to garner a feature of their own so look forward to that as round 2.

#19 Tyler Seguin– Boston Bruins – Center

The Past

As I put this post together I have to keep reminding myself “He’s only 20 years old Saucer, he’s only 20 years old,” because god damn, Tyler Seguin is hot.

Seguin is from Ontario and played in the OHL before going #2 in the 2010 draft to Boston. 2010 definitely brought the hottest 1-2-3 punch that the draft has seen in…well… probably forever.

Yup, that is our boy Tyler on the right with sexy Erik Gudbranson and Taylor Hall. Tyler might have gone #2 to Hall’s #1 pick but I think the world would agree Seguin got the better end of the deal since the Bruins won the cup Seguin’s rookie season. That is a hell of a lot sweeter than going #1 in the draft. But then again Hall gets to live with Eberle and I might choose that over the Stanley Cup, but I digress.

The Love

Seguin was so freaking cute as a little 18 year old (ugh, that was just two years ago). And you know I can’t pass up an opportunity to throw in a Patrick Kane video so here is youngin’ Seguin with mullet-head Kaner.

I don’t know what I like better, Seguin crushing on Kane or the creepy/cocky expression on Kaner’s face at the end. Both are fucking magical.

There are a lot of reasons to love Seguin and the fact that there are so many shirtless pictures of him on the internet is one of those reasons. As expected, the Boston boys went pretty crazy following the Cup win and Seguin managed to party all over the city, consuming alcohol like he was legal and taking his clothes off at every opportunity. Thank you to the hockey gods for this beautiful gift.

Yeah, that’s our boy on the right and he was only 19 in this picture. I’m sorry but when I was 19 years old none of the boys I knew looked like that. Fuck my life.

Oh yeah, maybe I should also mention that Seguin is a really freaking good hockey player. It wasn’t a fluke that he was drafted #2 overall. Last season he led the Bruins in scoring and remember, he’s only 20 years old.

Check out the video below, these stupid NHL videos always make me sappy, and I always complain about them, but I just can’t stop myself from posting.

The Hate

Um, nothing. Well, he plays for Boston which is a bit of a bummer. But remember, he looks like this with his shirt off and for that I can forgive almost anything.

Let’s Get Scrappy

Tyler hasn’t been in an NHL fight. With most players I would chrip on that a bit but when it comes to Seguin this makes me happy. I don’t want that pretty face to get messed up so please Tyler, no fighting! Since we don’t have any fight videos let’s take a look at another half naked picture instead.

Feed the Inner Fangirl/Fanboy 

Nobody does “bromance” quiet like Tyler Seguin. He has more internet boyfriends than Dateline and he is proud to showcase it all on Twitter. Seriously, if you aren’t following him you are missing out. Let’s take a look at some of the delightful tweets he has thrown our way in the past couple months.

Notice the little girls who try to invite themselves along? So cute. I’m pretty sure every tweet Tyler throws out is immediately retweeted a few hundred times and about 50 girls reply professing their love for him.

Yeah, he is really that cute, and apparently that sleepy. Hey Tyler, you can come over here for a nap anytime...

Those are just a few of my recent favorites but he throws out at least one bromance related gem a week, so give him a follow - @TylerSeguin92 – and in case you were wondering  92 is his birth year. Thanks Tyler for reminding me that you are only 20 and I’m officially a creep for lusting after you.

Let’s Mix in Some Swords

So Beddee believes Seguin would be a young Jaime Lannister in Game of Thrones. He is sexy, charismatic, and knows how to use a stick (yes, I went there). I really can’t disagree with her, especially since I think Seguin would be banging Cersei in that world. They would be a hot mess together and it would be some incredibly enjoyable television.

I leave you all with a gift, one more shirtless Tyler Seguin photo. Thank god for the internet and Tyler Seguin’s abs.

Kisses!

~ Saucer