Here are a couple things Saucer learned in the Game 1's tonight
Sharpie is a hockey god
Bolland, you are a bitch. Keep your fucking skates on the ice. But Carts, way to stand up for your man
Crosby, Chara will FUCKING destroy you and your glass jaw
Um, was I the only person who saw Tyler Seguin licking his lips suggestively on the bench? Fuck Segs, you are hot with that goddamn beard
And Tuukka shut out those whiny little bitches in their own house. You may not be my favorite goalie, hell you aren't even my favorite Finnish goalie, but tonight I am your fan
Wow, I don't really know what to say about the game last night. The goal/no-goal fiasco at the end of the third was beyond ridiculous but it's over so I've moved on. But who the hell would have guessed Seabs would score the winning goal and cement himself as a game 7 hero?? I would have thrown down money on Tazer, Kaner, Sharpie, Hossa, Duncs, Saad, Shaw...WOW I guess I would have guessed half the team over Seabs. So thanks for proving me wrong buddy, I won't doubt you again!
So...Saucer already has her tickets to Frozen Fury - September 27 & 28 in Vegas, baby!! Let's talk about this for a moment. This year, two games: Rangers/Kings and Avalanche/Kings. I don't usually get to see much of the Rangers so I welcome the idea of more drooling over King Henrik. Plus bonus for two nights of Richie. But the real reason I'm going is the same --- Varly!!!
So by now everybody (on this planet at least) is aware that Roy is the new head coach of my Avalanche. Yeah, I don't know what to think. On one hand I'm super excited. I just know he's going to get into a fight, I just KNOW it! I'm just unsure whether it will be with another coach or a player. On the other hand I worry about my sweet Varly. I don't want Roy to turn him into a psycho or break his sweet spirit. But there is one thing I'm certain on: I will fly to Denver just to see Roy scowl at Brodeur when they play the Devils. FUCK.YEAH. Every team in every arena is amazing and it's just one more thing I love about the realignment.
I'd like to end with this one thought: Patrick Motherfucking Kane, I want to lick the stripes on your mullet.
I've been MIA for a while now. Many, many apologies to all. I promise not to pull that shit again, Saucer's back, bitch!
So what has Saucer been up to the past few months? Well, here is a breakdown:
Somehow Saucer became a full-blown Dallas Stars fan. Fuck, that wasn't supposed to happen. She was only supposed to cheer for the Stars when it didn't impact the Avalanche, right? Well, did you see any Avs games this season?? There is nothing the Stars could have done to drop the Avs any more in the standings so Saucer found herself cheering for the Stars pretty much non-stop. And yes, the season tickets were renewed.
Sexy boy Varlamov looked so ridiculously hot when the Avs played in Dallas, Saucer could barely contain herself as she jumped around in her #1 jersey. Then he got pulled. Poor Varly.
Saucer got really close, no like REALLY close, to getting in fights with other fans during Stars games this year. One was during 2nd time the Blackhawks were in Dallas and the other was during the Avs game. Saucer barely kept herself in check but maybe, just maybe, called some bitch a fucking whore and tried to kick a stupid frat boy down the stairs at AAC. Maybe.
Old crush update:
Richie: God I'd like to punch him in the face as I make out with him. Such a pest...suck a sexy fucking pest.
Varly: Oh, I just want to hug him. His season was SO AWESOME to start, then his team let him down and he just went downhill. Next season will be better sweetie. (As long as Roy doesn't become coach and beat the shit out of him every day)
Danny B: Oh Danny Boy! He was hurt so much and now all these awful rumors/predictions that the Flyers are going to use a compliance buyout on him. Sigh. Danny, please come to Dallas. Saucer will take care of you and you would look smokin hot in a Stars uniform.
Kaner: Yeah, the mullet is back (yikes) but so are his filthy passes and ridiculously sexy goals. And he even might even seem to be just slightly less grumpy than he was at the start of the season! I will admit the Lady Byng nomination made him just slightly less appealing. Huh? You think that is weird? Well, there was something about all his drama that I found slightly endearing. Now he's all grown up and acting like Jonny-bot Part II. But if it means I can watch him get ridiculously drunk during another Cup-winning parade, well, it will be all worth it. And I am kidding (a little) and really do want Kaner to win the Lady Byng. I also want him to wear that rude, offensive shirt from Madison when he accepts the award.
New crush update:
Ok, before I say it I want everybody to shut up. Seriously, just shut up! Saucer maybe has a little crush on Alex Burrows. There, I said it. Yes, i said it in tiny font, but I said it nonetheless. My last blog post mentioned I was maybe starting to crush on Burrows but then, THEN, he had to get on freakin twitter. Yup, it's all over now.
Alex Galchenyuk: yeah, not so new either, is it? I think this crush may have started during World Juniors. Well, to top it off he retweeted a pic his sister had tweeted of him (damn that was confusing) and he is laughing and wearing shorts to show off those HUGE thighs. Yeah, no going back after that. It really isn't even that bad. Saucer acts like a 19 year old, so it's not even creepy, right? RIGHT??
Antoine Roussel: Feisty, hot, and showed more heart than anybody else on the Stars team. He's most definitely my favorite Star and really the overall Dallas favorite in the Saucer house.
Jamie Benn: I still think that video of Benn fighting Thornton is the hottest thing I've ever seen. When he flips his hair back...well goddamn Jamie Benn!!
So that's where we're at. Saucer is a jerk for staying off the blog but she promises to be back full time. And now that you're all caught up on her ridiculous fangirling - we can have some fun!!!
Saucer would like to wish a very Happy Valentine’s Day to her favorite boys
(Thanks to @avprncess for the practically pornographic photo)
Semyon Varlamov: Oh Varly, I really hope the reason you aren’t starting tonight is because you are flying out to Dallas to cook a nice Valentine’s Day dinner for me.You make the dinner; I’ll cover dessert – oooh, la la!
(I can't believe I'm saying this but I miss that mouthguard)
Patrick Kane: Patrick, since you don’t have a game until tomorrow I expect you to help Varly with the dishes. That can be your contribution to the Saucer Valentine’s Day dinner extravaganza!
Mike Richards: Ok Richie, you get a bye. You have a confirmed real life girlfriend + Carts to take care of so you can go ahead and celebrate with them. But you could still send flowers…hint, hint…
Danny Briere: Well, what do you know? Danny doesn’t have a game either! My heels (which are adorbs) are killing me so you are in charge of the foot massage.
And my gift to all my favorite boys? The gift of Saucer’s adoration should be the only gift you need.
If you've ever read this blog you are well aware that Saucer has four great hockey loves lusts. Semyon Varlamov, Danny Briere, Patrick Kane, and Mike Richards.
A little part of Saucer died when Varly didn't return from Russia and decided to play with the Lokomotiv during the lockout. But it was understandable, it made sense. I didn't feel too betrayed.
So yeah, maybe there were tears, maybe there was whining but overall I survived. After all, my other 3 favorite boys were still on the continent.
Of course there has been talk about Patrick Kane going to play in Europe but I kept hearing that he was hoping to play with Toews, and fuck if I don't love that bromance, so I wasn't too upset about it. And then, earlier today, Patrick Kane broke my heart.
WTF Patrick? Running to Tyler?? You are supposed to go with Johnny! What are you doing? Haven't you been paying attention at all? Danny & Claude set such a good example for you. What is your problem??? Won't you miss this??
Tazer + Kaner > Segs + Kaner
So only one of Saucer's best boys is still around. The ever handsome Mike Richards has been practicing with some of the Jets. Stay there Richie, stay there! Please do not go to Europe!
I blame Tyler Seguin for all of my heartbreak and all I have to say is Tyler, stay away from Richie, stay far, far away!
In preparation for the upcoming season To occupy myself during the lockout, I am going to feature one player from every team in the NHL. Goalies are excluded because they’re interesting enough to garner a feature of their own so look forward to that as round 2.
#10 Mike Richards – Los Angeles Kings – Center
In case you’ve never read the section of this blog titled Who Are These People, you should be forewarned. Saucer has a ridiculous, massive, almost creepy crush on Mike Richards. Proceed at your own risk.
The Past
Richie was drafted 24th overall in the 2003 draft by the Flyers. Pop Quiz: who was drafted 11th overall by the Flyers that year? Jeff Carter, and so it begins…
After a couple years with the Kitchener Rangers he went to the Phantoms and then Flyers. He tore it up with the Flyers, became Captain, and signed a ridiculously long contract which led fans to believe we would enjoy many, many more years with our beloved Richie & Carter duo. Then, in what could have been pulled from the pages of a Harlequin romance novel, they were ripped apart by a greedy and deceitful man.
Yeah, I signed them both to super long term deals and then immediately traded them…what’s wrong with that?
So yes, the boys were tragically separated but Mike got the better end of the deal, going to LA while poor Jeff went to Columbus.
But is this love story over? Hell no! They were reunited and won the Stanley Cup - Suck it Holmgren!
The Love
Oh Mike Richards….he’ll always be my Captain and I will always hate Holmgren for taking him away from me. He’s a grinder; he plays ridiculously hard, is one half of the hottest bromance in the league, and has a tendency to be whiny and passive aggressive with the media --- well as least with the Philly media.
Plus, maybe he’s really, really, really cute.
The Hate
I hate that Richie doesn’t play for the Flyers anymore. It still bothers me to see Richie wearing #10. I hate that he won The Cup with the Kings instead of the Flyers and I hate that he isn't married to Jeff Carter.
Let’s Get Scrappy
Mike Richards most definitely does not back down from a fight. He isn’t the biggest guy on the ice but he is scrappy as hell.
This is my all time favorite Richie fight. So why is the fight below, not even a Flyers fight, my favorite? Because he is SO much smaller than Hanzal but refuses to back down.
And my favorite almost fight:
Feed the Inner Fangirl/Fanboy
In what can only be considered a giant conspiracy, there aren’t any pictures or video of their freakin faces during the Richie to Carter Cup handoff. What the hell did he say to him????? Seriously, how could this happen? I half expected them to make out on the ice so not seeing that was disappointment enough, but to be robbed the opportunity to lip read? Well, that isn’t even fair.
Go to 1:05
To reduce my disappointment I’ll stare at the gif below for an hour or so.
Let’s Mix in Some Swords
Sometimes it is really difficult to compare a hockey player to a Game of Thrones character, but Mike Richards is, without a doubt, Renly Baratheon (spoiler: Jeff Carter is Loras).
So what do they have in common? How about a hidden love which began when they were young and became stronger as adults. A commitment was made, basically securing them to each other forever until a wicked old man ripped them apart.
Thankfully Richie & Carts have a much happier ending than poor Renly and Loras.
