So yeah, voting was supposed to start for the 2013 Swords and Stick NHL Awards on Friday but I was way too distracted with the finals. So...voting will start this Friday, June 28. Apologies for the delay.
But let's talk about what is important. First, Hawks win!!!! WOO HOO!!! Second, light-of-my-life, Patrick Kane, won the Conn Smythe!!! WOO HOO!!!!
Ok, moving on. Who do you think the Avs will take for their number one pick?? I'm still expecting a last minute trade - I think to Vancouver - for Alex Burrows and a pick. What? That is only in my dreams and completely unrealistic? Oh, OK then, never mind. How about those Hawks??
So, let me tell you a few things that happened tonight. This will include a bit of a reveal, a bit of a confession, and a whole lot of ridiculous.
1. This happened. Disclaimer: I'm not trying to be secretive here, if anybody wants to know my personal twitter account, just email me or DM me on @swordsandsticks. But I have pictures of my kid on my personal twitter and I'm embarrassing as hell on a good day, so for her mental health (someday she'll be really, really mortified by this site) I think it's better if her picture isn't on here.
In case you weren't watching the time of the goals...see below. Then compare above. Yes, I'm in the Central time zone.
2. And yeah, Patrick scored twice in regulation. Oh wait, I said he looked sexy twice. Hmmm....
3. OK, now for the confession. All of this OT could have been avoided. Well, sigh...this is really awful to admit. But...I stopped watching the game and went and saw the movie Now You See Me. I know, I know! But listen, I have a four year old and I never get to have a date night. Babysitters are a freakin hot commodity here in Tarrant county! Hockey gods, I'm so, so sorry.
4. But then I posted this:
And what the fuck happened??? The always delicious Patrick Kane scored a hatty!!!!
So yes, Saucer really is the Hawk Whisperer. And to make things even crazier, Saucer, the shiny new Chicago Blackhawks good luck charm, will be in Boston June 17 and 18 for work. Coincidence, or do I just want you to think it's a coincidence???? #goseethemovie
Here are a couple things Saucer learned in the Game 1's tonight
Sharpie is a hockey god
Bolland, you are a bitch. Keep your fucking skates on the ice. But Carts, way to stand up for your man
Crosby, Chara will FUCKING destroy you and your glass jaw
Um, was I the only person who saw Tyler Seguin licking his lips suggestively on the bench? Fuck Segs, you are hot with that goddamn beard
And Tuukka shut out those whiny little bitches in their own house. You may not be my favorite goalie, hell you aren't even my favorite Finnish goalie, but tonight I am your fan
Wow, I don't really know what to say about the game last night. The goal/no-goal fiasco at the end of the third was beyond ridiculous but it's over so I've moved on. But who the hell would have guessed Seabs would score the winning goal and cement himself as a game 7 hero?? I would have thrown down money on Tazer, Kaner, Sharpie, Hossa, Duncs, Saad, Shaw...WOW I guess I would have guessed half the team over Seabs. So thanks for proving me wrong buddy, I won't doubt you again!
So...Saucer already has her tickets to Frozen Fury - September 27 & 28 in Vegas, baby!! Let's talk about this for a moment. This year, two games: Rangers/Kings and Avalanche/Kings. I don't usually get to see much of the Rangers so I welcome the idea of more drooling over King Henrik. Plus bonus for two nights of Richie. But the real reason I'm going is the same --- Varly!!!
So by now everybody (on this planet at least) is aware that Roy is the new head coach of my Avalanche. Yeah, I don't know what to think. On one hand I'm super excited. I just know he's going to get into a fight, I just KNOW it! I'm just unsure whether it will be with another coach or a player. On the other hand I worry about my sweet Varly. I don't want Roy to turn him into a psycho or break his sweet spirit. But there is one thing I'm certain on: I will fly to Denver just to see Roy scowl at Brodeur when they play the Devils. FUCK.YEAH. Every team in every arena is amazing and it's just one more thing I love about the realignment.
I'd like to end with this one thought: Patrick Motherfucking Kane, I want to lick the stripes on your mullet.
Saucer made the trek from Texas to Arizona to check out the Blackhawks @ Coyotes last week. Sorry, we would have posted these sooner but she was too busy hitting up flea markets with the oldies to bother to upload her pictures.
Anyway, the game was awesome - Kaner was a freakin BEAST (swoon!) and the Coyotes seriously sucked ass. Saucer even made it on TV. Yup, Saucer was rockin a #88 jersey on national television, desperately clutching her camera like the Kaner-crazed-weirdo we know she is.
Jonny Toews was looking quite grumpy through most of the game - and so was Kaner. Saucer is getting really sick of this new Patrick Kane grumpiness. But then again, maybe whatever is causing the grumpiness is what has triggered Kaner the Great and I sure as hell don't want that point streak to let up.
So last night Saucer and her child, I know it’s shocking that Saucer has a child – calm down, were watching hockey. It was a typical night in the Saucer household, when this conversation happened:
‘Lil Saucer: Mommy, can Patrick come over for a sleepover?
Saucer: *racking her brain for which kid in her class is named Patrick* Well, probably not. You’re too young for sleepovers and I don’t know Patrick’s parents.
‘Lil Saucer: But Mommy, I really want to hang out with Patrick.
Saucer: OK, Patrick can come over for a play date. What’s his last name? I’ll get his mommy’s email address from the school.
‘Lil Saucer: Kane, duh Mommy. Patrick Kane…#88.
Saucer: If Kaner is coming to this house for a play date it’s with Mommy, not you. Sorry ‘Lil Saucer!
‘Lil Saucer: Mommy, he wouldn’t want to play with you! He would want to play with me!
Saucer: You do understand that Patrick Kane is an adult, right?
‘Lil Saucer: No he’s not! He’s a kid, like me. Look how tiny he is compared to everyone else on the ice.
Saucer: He’s not that tiny!
‘Lil Saucer: *raises her eyebrows and shoots Saucer a look*
This explains SO MUCH about ‘Lil Saucer’s obsession with Patrick Kane! I always thought my ridiculous fangirling had somehow been passed on to my offspring and she was destined to be as crazy as I am. But no, she just thinks Patrick Kane is a child! I cannot describe the relief which passed over me at that moment. Well, relief mixed with annoyance. He is not tiny! My kid weighs like 30 pounds. Where does she get off saying Patrick is tiny??
So anyway, let's take a moment and watch the ridiculously filthy pass from Jonathan Toews to Patrick Kane for his first goal (of two) last night. It's all fun to watch but Kaner's goal is around the 1:00 mark.
But don’t worry Kaner, Saucer knows you aren’t a little kid and you are most definitely invited over for a sleepover any time.
So let’s talk about last night. It’s important to note that while Saucer does love Patrick Kane above all others, she likes the Stars infinitely better than the Blackahwks. So yes, she was in Stars gear screaming her head off for the Dallas boys while internally trying to Jedi-mind-trick Kaner into looking up at her and just giving one little smile – freakin Jedi-mind-trick never works!
Light-of-my-life, Kari Lehtonen, was an absolute beast. The rest of the Stars didn’t do much. Well, except for Ray Whitney melting my heart with his HUGE post-goal smiles which are still there long after he’s back on the bench. For somebody who I thought I would always hate, Ray Whitney is quickly becoming a favorite. God, what is happening to me? How am I becoming a Stars fan? Am I really so fickle? Well, apparently so…
The crowd was engaged, the game was awesome, and then they announced Jamie Benn signed his contract (finally). We all cheered, we all screamed…and then the Stars must have decided they didn’t need to play anymore because everything went way downhill. The Hawks tied the game and in OT my beautiful Kaner had the filthiest assist to Hossa and the Hawks won. Kaner threw himself at Saucer Hossa, and that was it.
But what was the highlight of my night? Kari’s amazing game? Being just a few feet from Kaner? The Jamie Benn announcement? Nope…the Stars had an absolutely hilarious video all about Kaner’s mullet which they played during a TV timeout. He was aimlessly skating around the ice and didn’t even notice until they said something about scoring the Stanley Cup winning goal. He was right in front of Saucer at that point and his cute little head shot up and looked at the screen which was covered with a picture of his mullet-head. He quickly looked down but I was close enough to see a tiny smile. Love ya Kaner.
In preparation for the upcoming season I am going to feature one player from every team in the NHL. Goalies are excluded because they’re interesting enough to garner a feature of their own so look forward to that as round 2.
#88 Patrick Kane – Chicago Blackhawks – Right Wing/Center
The Past
I’m sorry, but if you thought I went a little too fangirl on Claude Giroux you might want to stop reading right now because I’m absolutely ridiculous over Patrick Kane. I have could probably spend many a weekend watching youtube videos of amazing Kane shootout goals, trick shots, smiles…yeah, I’m really that bad.
Patrick Kane (aka Kaner, Peekaboo) is from Buffalo, New York (GO TEAM USA!) and played for the OHL London Knights for a year before he was the #1 pick in the 2007 draft. He was snatched up by the Blackhawks and has helped to turn Chicago back into a badass hockey town. I always worry about these boys who go #1 but Kaner had a crazy first season and won the Calder Trophy because he is absolutely insane on the ice.
Look how adorable he was on draft day, so tiny and young! Oh how I wish Chicago had picked JVR and Kaner had gone #2 to the Flyers instead. Then I wouldn’t have to be so closeted regarding my Kaner love. Not that I'm really that closeted...obviously.
The Love
Kaner is an absolute beauty and one of the most exciting players to watch. There are a lot of people who dislike him but no one can deny he is one of the best forwards in the NHL.
Amazing, right? Well, it gets better, just check out below. Absolutely sick.
And on top of all that skill, he’s adorable. There aren’t words to adequately describe how much I love the video below. Yes, I have to close my eyes during the Flyers parts, and I maybe trick my mind into believing he’s in a Flyers jersey with the Cup, but it is still the best Patrick Kane fan video ever (and there are about 100 million on youtube so that is saying a lot). So click on the damn link below - it is amazing!
Although I adore Patrick Kane there are some things I dislike. First, I hate that he scored “the goal” to win the Stanley Cup and crushed the hopes and dreams of Flyers fans everywhere. I hate it but had to post it below because it is such a famous moment in hockey history that you can’t really talk about Kaner without mentioning it.
Second, I hate that Patrick doesn’t play for the Avalanche or Flyers.
Third, I hate that Patrick doesn’t tweet very frequently. He is @88PKane and doesn’t follow a single person. You’re missing the point Kaner, your timeline is supposed to show what other people are doing rather than just your own tweets. I also think half of his tweets are written by a PR person and not really Patrick. There is too much grammatical inconsistency to be written by one person. Yikes, that sounds really stalkerish, my apologies.
Finally, I hate Patrick’s playoff mullet and creepy beard. It was so terrible and the fact that he shaved lines in the side just made him look like a chimo. When I say sick flow Kaner, I do not mean sick in a good way. But what I hate most about it is that I didn't really hate it at all. I still loved him and thought he was sexy as hell.
Let’s Get Scrappy
Kaner has never been in a fight but I’m sure there are plenty of people who would like to be the first. He can be a bit of a show off and generally annoying. I find it endearing but I would bet many in the league would just like to kick his ass.
Feed the Inner Fangirl/Fanboy
Kaner has a reputation for partying too much. Who cares, he’s young and rich so as long as it isn’t impacting his performance on the ice I could give a shit. But people really seem to care a lot about Kaner’s partying ways and he catches hell for it. Beddee and I were doing considerably worse things at his age than anything he’s been busted for and we turned out fine, says the closeted fangirl…
I’m not getting into the drama with the taxi driver or Wisconsin but if you want to know just google his name and both stories will pop right up. The only problem I have with either situation is that Patrick needs better friends, specifically friends who won’t sell his story to Deadspin or put embarrassing pictures on twitter.
But forget all that, I want to talk about his epic bromance with Jonathan Toews. Other than Richie and Carts (still promising they will be profiled in the future) there is no greater bromance in the league. It started when they were rookies and they played so freakin well together that the hockey world couldn’t shut up about them. It’s pretty rare to hear them referred to individually; it’s always Kane and Toews and they seemed to really embrace it. The public is led to believe they are complete opposites and damn if we don’t love when opposites attract, am I right?
The fact that they are both extra hot doesn’t hurt either. Obviously I wouldn’t be so into their little love affair if they were ugly trolls. Kaner is smokin hot (see above pics & videos) and that Johnny Toews, well I’ve loved him since he was rockin the Fighting Sioux sweater and he gets better looking every year. So yeah, the fact that there is more Hockey fanfiction dedicated to these two than any other players in the league has to mean something and that something is that they are both sexy as hell. Oh, and their over the top physical affection and inability to open their mouths without mentioning one another doesn’t hurt.
I give a lot of credit to the Blackhawks marketing dept for turning them into fan favorites and for fostering their bromance. With the Convention, hands down the best team Twitter account, Joey the Junior Reporter, and the hilarious shenanigans filmed for Blackhawks TV there is no doubt in my mind which NHL team is bogarting all the marketing geniuses. They have given us more epic Kane/Toews moments than I can mention, but the popsicle eating contest and All Star campaign videos were absolutely brilliant. The 2009 campaign videos were my favorite so check them out below.
So they are basically the most adorable guys in the world and internet darlings. The video below is so wonderful that I may have watched it 10 times in a row the first time I stumbled upon it.
So if you want to know more about the epic Kane/Toews bromance I suggest you check out the link below. After reading this I believe the girl who wrote this to be one of the most thorough and hilarious people on the planet. But I so wish she would update it to include last season. Please????
Trust me; anything I write would be completely inadequate compared to the link above so go there to read more about Kane and Toews, but be prepared to fall in love because that Patrick Kane is a real charmer.
