So let’s talk about last night. It’s important to note that while Saucer does love Patrick Kane above all others, she likes the Stars infinitely better than the Blackahwks. So yes, she was in Stars gear screaming her head off for the Dallas boys while internally trying to Jedi-mind-trick Kaner into looking up at her and just giving one little smile – freakin Jedi-mind-trick never works!
Light-of-my-life, Kari Lehtonen, was an absolute beast. The rest of the Stars didn’t do much. Well, except for Ray Whitney melting my heart with his HUGE post-goal smiles which are still there long after he’s back on the bench. For somebody who I thought I would always hate, Ray Whitney is quickly becoming a favorite. God, what is happening to me? How am I becoming a Stars fan? Am I really so fickle? Well, apparently so…
The crowd was engaged, the game was awesome, and then they announced Jamie Benn signed his contract (finally). We all cheered, we all screamed…and then the Stars must have decided they didn’t need to play anymore because everything went way downhill. The Hawks tied the game and in OT my beautiful Kaner had the filthiest assist to Hossa and the Hawks won. Kaner threw himself at Saucer Hossa, and that was it.
But what was the highlight of my night? Kari’s amazing game? Being just a few feet from Kaner? The Jamie Benn announcement? Nope…the Stars had an absolutely hilarious video all about Kaner’s mullet which they played during a TV timeout. He was aimlessly skating around the ice and didn’t even notice until they said something about scoring the Stanley Cup winning goal. He was right in front of Saucer at that point and his cute little head shot up and looked at the screen which was covered with a picture of his mullet-head. He quickly looked down but I was close enough to see a tiny smile. Love ya Kaner.
Jordan Eberle is too adorable for words and Mike Modano is the sexist man on twitter. So when the two of them talk online it is almost too much for me to handle. Modano's reply to Eberle's HOF post was hilarious (see below). And sure, I made a lot of inappropriate comments. Sorry it's just how my sick mind works.
But I'm pretty sure their exchange today beats it. They are both just too cute and seriously, how did these guys even get to be friends? Until last summer's golf tournament I wouldn't have guessed they were more than acquaintances. Maybe it's Ryan Whitney...if anybody can bring people together it would be him, right? Yeah, not so much.
If this blog gave out awards I would give the award to Eberle and Modano for the Biggest Age Gap in a Saucer Fantasy Threesome. Hmmm, maybe we should do awards. Who wouldn't be proud to hold that honor?
In preparation for the upcoming season I am going to feature one player from every team in the NHL. Goalies are excluded because they’re interesting enough to garner a feature of their own so look forward to that as round 2.
#24 John-Michael Liles – Maple Leafs – Defense
The Past
It is already well established that I’m a sucker for American defensemen and John-Michael Liles is my absolute favorite in the league. He’s from Indiana and was drafted by Colorado 159th in 2000. Take note of the draft year… I don’t have to feel like a complete chimo for thinking he is sexy as hell. Finally a profile on a guy older than 24!
Liles played for Michigan State (I like him enough to get past this) and was a finalist for the Hobey Baker before moving to the Avs AHL team during the 2002-2003 season. He moved up with the big boys in 2003 and had an awesome first year, making the NHL All-Rookie team and stealing the hearts of girls, and likely boys, everywhere with his 34 points and seriously good looks.
The Love
OK, let’s start with the obvious. No, not that he is hot, the other obvious - he’s a really freakin good defenseman! Although I would rather just post a bunch of Avs video clips and quietly cry to myself, I’m trying to be happy for the Leafs fans so let’s celebrate a couple nice goals from last season.
But of course I can’t just talk hockey without throwing a lot of touchy-feely nonsense so let’s play that game where you look at two pictures and pick out the differences.
Notice anything different?Yup, he changed his number from 26 to 4. Why would he do such a thing? In 2006 Paul Stastny made the whopping 6 mile journey from Magness Arena to the Pepsi Center and Liles gave him his #26 to wear in honor of his father, who rocked that number for the Nordiques. See, he is a seriously nice guy. And aw, look how happy he made Paul!!
And they are still friends! Liles was the first person to give Stastny a shout out for joining twitter.
The Hate
This section is officially called “The Hate” but in this case it should be called “The Heartbreak”. I don’t have any hate for Liles but I’m going to bitch about my team here for a moment. I obviously did something to really piss off the hockey gods last year because Liles was traded to Toronto one day after Richie & Carts were kicked out of Philly. I’m still not over it, like really not over it. I whine about Liles being gone at least once a week in the off season and I am inconsolable every time I see him wearing a Leafs sweater. It’s like both of my teams were intentionally trying to hurt me…and it worked.
Let’s Get Scrappy
Liles isn’t a big fighter and it is hilarious how shocked the announcers are in both of these videos. And yeah, it’s kind of obvious he doesn’t fight often. He doesn’t embarrass himself but he most definitely doesn’t look comfortable. That’s OK Liles; leave the fighting to the guys with the ugly mugs. Your face is too pretty to get beat up.
Feed the Inner Fangirl/Fanboy
So have you actually looked at the pictures above? Liles is freakin hot. If I had a locker there would be pictures of him taped all over the inside.
But he’s also a really nice guy. I’ve heard a lot stories from people who ran into him around Denver and he was always willing to stop and pose for a picture. Um, how is it possible that I never ran into him when I lived there? Again, the hockey gods really hate me. Then again it is highly unlikely I would have kept myself from proposing or doing something equally embarrassing so maybe the hockey gods don’t hate me after all.
Let’s Mix in Some Swords
After much debate Beddee and I have decided that Liles would be Tommen in Game of Thrones and yes, I totally appreciate the irony that the one player I have featured who is over 30 is being compared to a child.
It is amazing to me how much Tommen looks like he could be John-Michael’s kid! But the reason he would be Tommen is because he is kind and cares about others. Would it be a stretch to say that Tommen making Loras his Master-of-Arms is similar to Liles giving Stastny his number? Shit, who am I kidding? It’s all about the looks and Tommen is, without a doubt, a Liles mini-me. My blog, my reasons. Liles = Tommen, end of story!
In preparation for the upcoming season
I am going to feature one player from every team in the NHL. Goalies are
excluded because they’re interesting enough to garner a feature of their own so
look forward to that as round 2.
#74 TJ Oshie – St. Louis Blues
– Right Wing
The Past
It’s no secret I love the Fighting Sioux
but TJ Oshie is probably my all time favorite former player. He was born in Washington and
moved to Minnesota in high school before rocking the green jersey for UND. He
was drafted 24th overall by St. Louis in 2005 and was cute as a
freakin button. Unfortunately I can’t find a single pic from his draft, which makes zero sense
because he went in the first round and it wasn’t that long ago, but luckily I
found this adorable picture from his days at UND.He looks to be about 18 so I’m totally
counting it.
He played three years in North Dakota before moving into the
NHL with the St. Louis Blues. Check out the video below for some highlights
– including some nice UND moments.
The Love
Well, since I love practically everything about TJ Oshie
this was pretty easy to write. Now that I live in the land of the Stars I plan
to rock Sioux gear every time I see him play. Yeah, I’m pretty much the worst
Stars season ticket holder ever. I’m not in Denver anymore so
no holding back!!!
He tweets pretty frequently and never acts like a douche
which is another bonus. Give him follow - @OSH74.
For some reason I’ve always thought of Oshie as a kid. He’s
a beast on the ice but in my head he’s still the cherub faced little guy
playing for the Sioux. Then I stumbled across the picture below. Oshie isn’t a
little boy anymore and he looks really freakin good.
The Hate
Nothing, absolutely nothing. OK, I wish he played for the
Avs or the Flyers and I wish he had never tried to copy Jeff Carter’s hair –
that is just weird.
Let’s Get Scrappy
TJ has only been in one fight in the NHL. Although I would call Ryan
Wilson the winner of the fight below, Oshie gets in some really good hits and definitely
does not embarrass himself. After watching this I wonder why he doesn’t fight
more, he held his own and got the fans seriously riled up!
Feed the Inner
Fangirl/Fanboy
Oh how I crush on TJ Oshie. He’s American, a complete baller
on the ice, and apparently the only person on the planet (other than Kaner) who
can get Jonathan Toews to relax. In fact, Oshie can really get Toews to tear it
up, proven by their arrest for underage drinking in a Grand Forks, ND bar. This
is especially hilarious to me because I grew up in North Dakota and minors in a
bar are (or at least were) as common as a Tyler Seguin bromance so those boys
must have been pretty out of control to get busted.
Check out these fan-fucking-tastic pictures of Oshie
& Toews . Yup, Oshie knows how to get Tazer to let loose and I love
it.
So cute...but nothing tops the pic below.
Because of his friendship with Toews poor Oshie also ends up
being thrown into a lot of Kane/Toews fanfiction, which I think is absolutely
hilarious. A lot of Kane/Toews shippers hate him, calling him Broshie and
making him out to be a villain. But don’t worry TJ, I only ship You + Me and it’s freakin hot.
Let’s Mix in Some
Swords
Dear TJ Oshie, please forgive me for this, but I agree with
Beddee that you would be Brienne of Tarth. Brienne is an awesome warrior and TJ is a badass hockey player.
Brienne loves Renly and Loras hates her. Well….there is no
question to me that Toews would be Renly and Kane
would be Loras so considering the vast amount of fanfiction out there in which
Oshie is in love with Toews and Kane hates him, well…it just fits.
But by far the most convincing argument is the hair. Yup, she wants
to look like Jeff Carter too!!
In preparation for the upcoming season I am going to feature one player from every team in the NHL. Goalies are excluded because they’re interesting enough to garner a feature of their own so look forward to that as round 2.
#88 Patrick Kane – Chicago Blackhawks – Right Wing/Center
The Past
I’m sorry, but if you thought I went a little too fangirl on Claude Giroux you might want to stop reading right now because I’m absolutely ridiculous over Patrick Kane. I have could probably spend many a weekend watching youtube videos of amazing Kane shootout goals, trick shots, smiles…yeah, I’m really that bad.
Patrick Kane (aka Kaner, Peekaboo) is from Buffalo, New York (GO TEAM USA!) and played for the OHL London Knights for a year before he was the #1 pick in the 2007 draft. He was snatched up by the Blackhawks and has helped to turn Chicago back into a badass hockey town. I always worry about these boys who go #1 but Kaner had a crazy first season and won the Calder Trophy because he is absolutely insane on the ice.
Look how adorable he was on draft day, so tiny and young! Oh how I wish Chicago had picked JVR and Kaner had gone #2 to the Flyers instead. Then I wouldn’t have to be so closeted regarding my Kaner love. Not that I'm really that closeted...obviously.
The Love
Kaner is an absolute beauty and one of the most exciting players to watch. There are a lot of people who dislike him but no one can deny he is one of the best forwards in the NHL.
Amazing, right? Well, it gets better, just check out below. Absolutely sick.
And on top of all that skill, he’s adorable. There aren’t words to adequately describe how much I love the video below. Yes, I have to close my eyes during the Flyers parts, and I maybe trick my mind into believing he’s in a Flyers jersey with the Cup, but it is still the best Patrick Kane fan video ever (and there are about 100 million on youtube so that is saying a lot). So click on the damn link below - it is amazing!
Although I adore Patrick Kane there are some things I dislike. First, I hate that he scored “the goal” to win the Stanley Cup and crushed the hopes and dreams of Flyers fans everywhere. I hate it but had to post it below because it is such a famous moment in hockey history that you can’t really talk about Kaner without mentioning it.
Second, I hate that Patrick doesn’t play for the Avalanche or Flyers.
Third, I hate that Patrick doesn’t tweet very frequently. He is @88PKane and doesn’t follow a single person. You’re missing the point Kaner, your timeline is supposed to show what other people are doing rather than just your own tweets. I also think half of his tweets are written by a PR person and not really Patrick. There is too much grammatical inconsistency to be written by one person. Yikes, that sounds really stalkerish, my apologies.
Finally, I hate Patrick’s playoff mullet and creepy beard. It was so terrible and the fact that he shaved lines in the side just made him look like a chimo. When I say sick flow Kaner, I do not mean sick in a good way. But what I hate most about it is that I didn't really hate it at all. I still loved him and thought he was sexy as hell.
Let’s Get Scrappy
Kaner has never been in a fight but I’m sure there are plenty of people who would like to be the first. He can be a bit of a show off and generally annoying. I find it endearing but I would bet many in the league would just like to kick his ass.
Feed the Inner Fangirl/Fanboy
Kaner has a reputation for partying too much. Who cares, he’s young and rich so as long as it isn’t impacting his performance on the ice I could give a shit. But people really seem to care a lot about Kaner’s partying ways and he catches hell for it. Beddee and I were doing considerably worse things at his age than anything he’s been busted for and we turned out fine, says the closeted fangirl…
I’m not getting into the drama with the taxi driver or Wisconsin but if you want to know just google his name and both stories will pop right up. The only problem I have with either situation is that Patrick needs better friends, specifically friends who won’t sell his story to Deadspin or put embarrassing pictures on twitter.
But forget all that, I want to talk about his epic bromance with Jonathan Toews. Other than Richie and Carts (still promising they will be profiled in the future) there is no greater bromance in the league. It started when they were rookies and they played so freakin well together that the hockey world couldn’t shut up about them. It’s pretty rare to hear them referred to individually; it’s always Kane and Toews and they seemed to really embrace it. The public is led to believe they are complete opposites and damn if we don’t love when opposites attract, am I right?
The fact that they are both extra hot doesn’t hurt either. Obviously I wouldn’t be so into their little love affair if they were ugly trolls. Kaner is smokin hot (see above pics & videos) and that Johnny Toews, well I’ve loved him since he was rockin the Fighting Sioux sweater and he gets better looking every year. So yeah, the fact that there is more Hockey fanfiction dedicated to these two than any other players in the league has to mean something and that something is that they are both sexy as hell. Oh, and their over the top physical affection and inability to open their mouths without mentioning one another doesn’t hurt.
I give a lot of credit to the Blackhawks marketing dept for turning them into fan favorites and for fostering their bromance. With the Convention, hands down the best team Twitter account, Joey the Junior Reporter, and the hilarious shenanigans filmed for Blackhawks TV there is no doubt in my mind which NHL team is bogarting all the marketing geniuses. They have given us more epic Kane/Toews moments than I can mention, but the popsicle eating contest and All Star campaign videos were absolutely brilliant. The 2009 campaign videos were my favorite so check them out below.
So they are basically the most adorable guys in the world and internet darlings. The video below is so wonderful that I may have watched it 10 times in a row the first time I stumbled upon it.
So if you want to know more about the epic Kane/Toews bromance I suggest you check out the link below. After reading this I believe the girl who wrote this to be one of the most thorough and hilarious people on the planet. But I so wish she would update it to include last season. Please????
Trust me; anything I write would be completely inadequate compared to the link above so go there to read more about Kane and Toews, but be prepared to fall in love because that Patrick Kane is a real charmer.
