Sunday, July 14, 2013

And the Winners Are

The 2013 Swords and Sticks NHL Award Winners have been named. Congratulations to all the nominees, it is a GREAT honor...oh, who the fuck am I kidding? Let's just get on with it.

The Ned Stark Award: Most Missed in 2013: Patrick Kane's Mouth Guard

I don't really even know what to say about this. Seriously...but yeah, I miss it too. Sigh...

The Bran Stark Award: Hottest Rookie: Alex Galchenyuk

Wow, I feel really, really old and really, really creepy right now.

The Tyrion Lannister Award: Hottest Defenseman: Kevin Bieksa

My name is Saucer and I support this message. Kevin Bieksa is fucking HOT. Plus he gave my kid a puck last Dallas...and she was wearing a Modano jersey. He instantly became my forever-favorite Canuck.

The Arya Stark Award: Hottest Forward: Maxim Lapierre

Damn Max. Hot, hot, hot. Good luck in St. Louis. While I was sad for our friend and frequent guest blogger Lisa, I was also happy for myself because by moving to the Blues Saucer will see Mr. Lapierre much more frequently. And yeah, it's all about me.

The Drogon the Dragon Award: Hottest Goalie: Henrik Lundqvist

See you in Vegas King Henrik #FrozenFury

The King Joffrey Award: Dirtiest Player: Raffi Torres

The people have spoken. Saucer thinks Bertuzzi should have been in this, but she's just never going to get over that one. Never. Ever.

The Robb Stark Award: Worst Injury: Marc Staal

I really can't even watch this anymore. Hugs Marc, lots and lots of hugs.

The Jamie/Brienne vs the Bear Award: Best Fight: Jamie Benn & Joe Thornton

So we go from a video I can't stand to watch to one I could watch all fucking day. And the all-around-best hockey twitter account, @DallasStars, got a little snarky with the Sharks this week. Well played Stars.

The Theon Greyjoy Award: Hottest Player on a Team You Hate: Ryan Kesler

So Kes didn't actually have the most votes in this category but since Tyler Seguin was traded to the Stars and the Blues picked up Max Lapierre, I disqualified their hot asses. Because really, do that many people hate the Stars and Blues?

The Jamie Lannister Award: Player You’d Most Like to Punch in the Face and Then Make Out With: Alex Burrows

OK, so Saucer may have voted a few times in this category but she really, really wants to punch Alex Burrows and at the same time really, really wants to make out with him. Sorry, but sometimes I just can't help myself.

The Loras Tyrell Award: Best Flow: Scott Hartnell

Fuck yeah, Scott Hartnell has the best hair in the NHL! Although if Mike Commodore would get called up he'd give Hartsy a run for his money!

The Margaery Tyrell Award: Best Playoff Beard: Patrick Kane

So wait, in 2013 Patrick Kane was nominated for the Lady Byng and won the S&S NHL Award for Best Playoff Beard? If you had said that last summer I would have laughed in your stupid face. Oh how a year can change things (take note Segs, and chin up).

The Olyvar the Squire Award: Best Ass: Jonathan Toews

Wanna thank your mother for a butt like that. God DAMN Jonny Toews, that is one nice ass. Oh, and to the ONE person who voted for Sidney Crosby...please go away. We don't like your kind here.

The John Snow Award: Best Abs: Ryan Kesler

I once said Ryan Kesler was the hottest of ALL American men. Leonardo DiCaprio is a close second but Kes looks good and we appreciate how often he shows off that stomach. Very nice Mr. Kesler.

The Daenerys Targaryen... Best Nickname: Kevin Bieksa

As much as  I like Juice, I was pulling for Andrew Shaw on this one because every time I hear they call him Mutt it just makes me laugh! 

The Renly & Loras Award: Best Bromance: Patrick Kane & Jonathan Toews

The pictures say it all - these two are just too adorable for words. 

So thanks everybody for voting and congrats to our winners!!

~ Saucer

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Tyler's First Appearance in a Stars Uniform!

Oh Tyler Seguin, you are just too cute in that Stars jersey! Yikes, we may have to change the name of this blog from Swords & Sticks to Swords & Seguins because Saucer can't seem to talk about anything other than Tyler lately.


I think he did a nice job addressing the Twitter fiasco and did an even better job of shutting down the talk about it. We all know the media would have loved to have focused on that but he explained himself, apologized, and ended it. Nice job kiddo.

But just a couple things Tyler...

1. Don't listen to what anybody says about where to live. Didn't you read this post?? Grapevine is the place to be! OK, it's not. It's actually filled with families. But, like I mentioned before, we could trade babysitting duties and it would be much more convenient (for me) if you were in Grapevine. I'll watch Marshall when you're on the road and you can babysit my kiddo when I want to go out. Trust me, it's a win-win for you. My kid is ridiculously cute and is basically a chick magnet. No lie, if you knew how many pictures she took with the Ice Girls last year you'd be seriously impressed.
2. I tried to pre-order your jersey and I'm being told that it's a ridiculously long wait for the new jerseys. So...please tell the team somebody stole the jersey they gave you at the presser and send it to Saucer. Thanks!


Friday, July 5, 2013

Tyler Seguin is Moving to Dallas, Y'all!

The momma bear inside of Saucer is fucking roaring at all the shit talk coming out of Boston right now. Fuck those assholes Tyler. As soon as I'm back from vaca I'm ordering my new-logo #19 #91 jersey. I've adopted you in my head as my new hockey son so here is some serious advice for adapting to your new team.

I once worked in an extra toxic workplace. I was significantly younger than my co-workers and they judged the hell out of me for my social activities, for being more productive than they were, for pretty much everything. Did I party a little too much? Yeah, but I was 23 years old, what the fuck do you expect? Did it ever impact my work performance? Yes, but very rarely. Their stupid, boring, adult drama impacted their performance too. I mean seriously, how often did their nasty kids get sent home from school sick, forcing them to 'work from home'?? Now that I have a kid I realize those fuckers milked that shit for everything they could. Losers. But for the most part everybody was really nice to me - well, nice to my face. So what did they do the second I left for a better job? They abso-fucking-lutely tossed my ass under a big, fat, bus.

Listen Tyler, people who are unhappy and scared they are going to get called out for their own lack of performance have this nifty little trick they pull to divert attention away from their own faults - they blame somebody who isn't there anymore. The best scapegoat is the last person to leave a job. What?  You need that report? Oh, Saucer was supposed to do that. What? We lost in the finals? Seguin was out partying! People often advise not to listen to what people say, shake it off, focus on yourself. Fuck that. Listen to every piece of trash people say and use it to drive yourself to prove them wrong. Show them Dallas got a fucking steal in this trade. You are a goddamn superstar you are going to tear shit up with the Stars. 

I don't know why I love giving you lists kiddo. No, I'm not old enough to be your mom so think of me as your extra cool, super worldly older sister. Anyway, here is a little friendly advice:

  1. Chill on the partying and get a roommate. It's fine to go out but keep it quiet. Luckily 90% of the city won't recognize you anyway so unless you purposefully draw attention to yourself you should be fine. 
  2. This is Texas. Saucer is pretty much the only liberal here. Just keep that in the back of your head and get used to people asking what church you go to. Don't lie and don't pretend to be something you're not. Just be respectful. This means be careful on twitter too. Just saying...if only he had read this...
  3. Be nice to the fans. There might not be as many of us as in Boston but we are a loyal group and like to know we are appreciated. So be nice, pose for pictures with us, give pucks to kids. ..wait, just mine. Only give pucks to my daughter. Don't worry, that kid has mad skills and you'll know who she is within the first month of the season. Anyway, be nice and at least pretend to like us and our city. 
  4. You have good personality, don't hide it. After one short season Stars fans love Antoine Roussel. He showed heart and had boat loads of personality. You're charismatic as hell and you speak understandable English so you are a shoo-in for new fan favorite. Don't turn into the weird, pouty, not-fun, shell of himself Kaner morphed into after the lockout ended. You don't have to be a complete hockey-bot to play well and have fan-love.

So again, welcome to Dallas, we're thrilled you are here. And if you need a dog sitter for Marshall the Saucer family has you covered. No, seriously, that dog is cute as fuck.

~ Saucer 

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Oh good lord, Segs to Dallas??

Oh good Lords, Segs to Dallas? Now I adore Loui so part of this is really upsetting, but I also adore Tyler Seguin. Also, creepy people googling even creepier things having to do with Tyler's abs drive the most hits to this blog, so WELCOME TO DALLAS TYLER!!!!

Tyler, here are a few things to know in preparation for the move to Dallas:

1. Most of the city has no idea about hockey and may not even realize the Stars are an NHL team. Don't take offense to this - embrace it! You can go pretty much anywhere without being recognized (unless I'm there) and that is a gift. 
2. I sit in section 120 at the #AAC (This is REALLY important to know)
3. Stars players seem to love the Rangers so quickly make friends with a baseball player and you'll fit right in
4. Grapevine is the coolest part of the city and absolutely where you want to live. OK, that is a lie. But it's where I live and I have a pool so come on over for a BBQ. I even promise not to hit on you (much).
5. There are lots of girls in Dallas, lots of HOT girls, who wear very little clothing during the summer. While this is awesome (hey, I can look too) I don't want you to knock up some chick as soon as you get here so please, please use protection.
6. In order to live in Texas you must love Whataburger and Dr. Pepper. Don't ask why, it's just a Texas thing.
7. You have just increased the Stars hotness score by about 50 points so thank you for that.


Monday, July 1, 2013

2013 Swords and Sticks NHL Awards Voting

Sorry kids, I know it took forever for these to get posted. The finals, the draft, the obsessive dreaming about Danny Briere or Vinny Lecavalier possibly coming to Dallas...yeah, I've been really, really busy...

But finally, voting is open for the 2013 Swords and Sticks NHL Awards! Vote often & tell your friends! Voting closes at 6pm on 7/12/13. For details on the nominees click here

  The Ned Stark Award: Most Missed in 2013
The Bran Stark Awards : Hottest Rookie

The Tyrion Lannister Award: Hottest Defenseman

The Arya Stark Award: Hottest Forward

The Drogon the Dragon Award: Hottest Goalie

The King Joffrey Award: Dirtiest Player

The Robb Stark Award: Worst Injury

The Jamie/Brienne vs the Bear Award: Best Fight

The Theon Greyjoy Award: Hottest Player on a Team You Hate

The Jamie Lannister Award: Player You’d Most Like to Punch in the Face and Then Make Out With 

The Loras Tyrell Award: Best Flow

The Margaery Tyrell Award: Best Playoff Beard

The Olyvar the Squire Award: Best Ass

The John Snow Award: Best Abs

The Daenerys Targaryen... Best Nickname

The Renly & Loras Award: Best Bromance

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Hawks Win!!

So yeah, voting was supposed to start for the 2013 Swords and Stick NHL Awards on Friday but I was way too distracted with the finals. will start this Friday, June 28. Apologies for the delay.

But let's talk about what is important. First, Hawks win!!!! WOO HOO!!! Second, light-of-my-life, Patrick Kane, won the Conn Smythe!!! WOO HOO!!!!

Ok, moving on. Who do you think the Avs will take for their number one pick?? I'm still expecting a last minute trade - I think to Vancouver - for Alex Burrows and a pick. What? That is only in my dreams and completely unrealistic? Oh, OK then, never mind. How about those Hawks??


Wednesday, June 19, 2013

And the Nominees Are...

Here you go kids! Below are the finalists for the 2013 Swords and Sticks NHL Awards. Voting begins Friday and is open for one week so vote often & tell your friends. 

Here a few lessons learned while tallying up the nominees and writing this post:
  • Many people hate the Canucks
  • Those same Canucks haters seem to want to bang everybody on the team
  • The google searches related to Tyler Seguin which lead to our blog are frightening. Tyler, please be careful. The things people want to do to your abs make me uncomfortable
  • Patrick Sharp didn't get a single nomination...very unexpected
  • After putting together all of these pictures I've decided Max Lapierre may be hottest man. Ever. In the world.

   So here are your 2013 Swords and Sticks NHL Award Finalists!

The Renly & Loras Award: Best Bromance
I can't believe we live in a world where Eberle & Hall didn't even make the cut. This is a travesty!

Patrick Kane & Jonathan Toews  

Gabe Landeskog & Erik Johnson   (Saucer used her privilege as keeper-of-the-blog to add this bromance, even though they didn't get enough nominations to be in the top 3, because she thinks they are adorable)

Mike Richards and Jeff Carter    
They'll always be Flyers in my heart
PK Subban and Carey Price
This should have made the "Missed in 2013" category

The Daenerys Targaryen... Best Nickname

Kevin Bieksa – Juice

Ilya Bryzgalov – Mr. Universe 

Andrew Shaw – Mutt (really, they call him Mutt???)

The John Snow Award: Best Abs
I have some doubt around the authenticity of the pictures below. I think maybe I need some proof that these three guys actually look like this with their shirts off.

Chris Higgins

Ryan Kesler

Tyler Seguin

The Olyvar the Squire Award: Best Ass
So…this was hilarious because we only have TWO nominees – everybody seems to agree for once!

Sidney Crosby

Jonathan Toews

The Margaery Tyrell Award: Best Playoff Beard

Patrick Kane (huh??)

Ryan Kesler - hard to find pic considering their short playoff run...

Jaromir Jagr

The Loras Tyrell Award: Best Flow

Scott Hartnell (obviously)

Kris Letang

Ryan Jones

Roberto Luongo

The Jamie Lannister Award: Player You’d Most Like to Punch in the Face and Then Make Out With 
This category had a three-way tie so we ended up with five finalists. Canucks lovers, Lapierre missed by one vote

Kevin Bieksa

Alex Burrows 

Ryan Kesler

Milan Lucic     

Mike Richards

The Theon Greyjoy Award: Hottest Player on a Team You Hate

Ryan Kesler        

Maxim Lapierre 

Tyler Seguin

The Jamie/Brienne vs the Bear Award: Best Fight

Jamie Benn & Joe Thornton          

Patrick Bordeleau vs. Paul Bissonnette   
Antoine Roussel vs Brent Seabrook - Yes, this was a Saucer pick - DAMN Roussel!

The Robb Stark Award: Worst Injury

Sidney Crosby

Erik Karlsson

Marc Staal

The King Joffrey Award: Dirtiest Player
Interesting that all three players are from the West.

Dustin Brown     

Ryan Kesler

Raffi Torres        

The Drogon the Dragon Award: Hottest Goalie

Henrik Lundqvist              

Carey Price

Semyon Varlamov            

The Arya Stark Award: Hottest Forward

Gabe Landeskog     

Maxim Lapierre 

Tyler Seguin

The Tyrion Lannister Award: Hottest Defenseman

Kevin Bieksa

Erik Johnson

PK Subban

The Bran Stark Awards : Hottest Rookie
Two notes here: we had multiple votes for John Gibson but sorry, he’s not a rookie yet. Also, even though he looks like one Jeff Skinner is NOT a rookie :)

Alex Galchenyuk

Brendan Gallagher

The Ned Stark Award: Most Missed in 2013

Sean Avery 

Patrick Kane's Mouth Guard         

Ryan Kesler (Good LORD you people love Ryan Kesler)

Voting begins Friday. Remember, the winners will receive a certificate and a trophy. No, seriously, they will. I really can't wait to mail Raffi Torres I mean, somebody, The King Joffrey Award :)