Friday, July 5, 2013

Tyler Seguin is Moving to Dallas, Y'all!

The momma bear inside of Saucer is fucking roaring at all the shit talk coming out of Boston right now. Fuck those assholes Tyler. As soon as I'm back from vaca I'm ordering my new-logo #19 #91 jersey. I've adopted you in my head as my new hockey son so here is some serious advice for adapting to your new team.

I once worked in an extra toxic workplace. I was significantly younger than my co-workers and they judged the hell out of me for my social activities, for being more productive than they were, for pretty much everything. Did I party a little too much? Yeah, but I was 23 years old, what the fuck do you expect? Did it ever impact my work performance? Yes, but very rarely. Their stupid, boring, adult drama impacted their performance too. I mean seriously, how often did their nasty kids get sent home from school sick, forcing them to 'work from home'?? Now that I have a kid I realize those fuckers milked that shit for everything they could. Losers. But for the most part everybody was really nice to me - well, nice to my face. So what did they do the second I left for a better job? They abso-fucking-lutely tossed my ass under a big, fat, bus.

Listen Tyler, people who are unhappy and scared they are going to get called out for their own lack of performance have this nifty little trick they pull to divert attention away from their own faults - they blame somebody who isn't there anymore. The best scapegoat is the last person to leave a job. What?  You need that report? Oh, Saucer was supposed to do that. What? We lost in the finals? Seguin was out partying! People often advise not to listen to what people say, shake it off, focus on yourself. Fuck that. Listen to every piece of trash people say and use it to drive yourself to prove them wrong. Show them Dallas got a fucking steal in this trade. You are a goddamn superstar you are going to tear shit up with the Stars. 

I don't know why I love giving you lists kiddo. No, I'm not old enough to be your mom so think of me as your extra cool, super worldly older sister. Anyway, here is a little friendly advice:

  1. Chill on the partying and get a roommate. It's fine to go out but keep it quiet. Luckily 90% of the city won't recognize you anyway so unless you purposefully draw attention to yourself you should be fine. 
  2. This is Texas. Saucer is pretty much the only liberal here. Just keep that in the back of your head and get used to people asking what church you go to. Don't lie and don't pretend to be something you're not. Just be respectful. This means be careful on twitter too. Just saying...if only he had read this...
  3. Be nice to the fans. There might not be as many of us as in Boston but we are a loyal group and like to know we are appreciated. So be nice, pose for pictures with us, give pucks to kids. ..wait, just mine. Only give pucks to my daughter. Don't worry, that kid has mad skills and you'll know who she is within the first month of the season. Anyway, be nice and at least pretend to like us and our city. 
  4. You have good personality, don't hide it. After one short season Stars fans love Antoine Roussel. He showed heart and had boat loads of personality. You're charismatic as hell and you speak understandable English so you are a shoo-in for new fan favorite. Don't turn into the weird, pouty, not-fun, shell of himself Kaner morphed into after the lockout ended. You don't have to be a complete hockey-bot to play well and have fan-love.

So again, welcome to Dallas, we're thrilled you are here. And if you need a dog sitter for Marshall the Saucer family has you covered. No, seriously, that dog is cute as fuck.

~ Saucer 

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