In preparation for the upcoming season I am going to feature one player from every team in the NHL. Goalies are excluded because they’re interesting enough to garner a feature of their own so look forward to that as round 2.
#36 Patrick Kaleta – Buffalo Sabres – Right Wing
Patrick Kaleta is from upstate New York and plays for the Buffalo Sabres. He was drafted by Buffalo 176th overall in 2004 and has played his entire NHL career with his hometown team.
American boy, hometown hero... how many of you think I love this guy? OK, um, really? He’s an ass, plays dirty, and pisses me off 100% of the time. But he is American, and forgive me for saying this but he’s kind of sexy. There, I said two nice things about him so now let’s move on to how I really feel.
Kaleta has always had a reputation as a pest but he took it to a new level when he talked trash to Danny Briere and Scott Hartnell about their divorces. Who the fuck does he think he is talking shit to my Danny??? I get it that it’s the NHL and there is a ton of chirping but dude, show a little respect. Growing up in that area I would be shocked if Kaleta hadn’t cheered on Briere when he played for the Sabres. OK Saucer, take some deep breaths and count to ten… Danny and Hartsy showed him that they wouldn’t fall for the trolling of a Sabre so I guess I can stop being so angry about it. And I really will stop one of these days, just not today.
Kaleta also has a bit of a head butting problem. Travis Zajac in 2010, Tobias Enstrom in 2011, and Jake Voracek this past November. Seriously, what is this guy’s problem? And why do I have so many videos on this blog of poor Voracek getting hurt?? Am I sensing some ginger-hate in the league??
Let’s Get Scrappy
Big surprise, Kaleta fights a lot. He is actually an exciting fighter to watch because he goes absolutely berserk.
Feed the Inner Fangirl/Fanboy
A few years ago there was a rumor that Kaleta beat up Patrick Kane in a Buffalo bar. Of course there was never any proof but it makes me violently angry just thinking about it. So I tried to snoop around and find some good dirt on Kaleta or maybe even some really embarrassing fanfiction for this section. Instead I got sucked into reading this absolutely hilarious/disturbing thread featuring really creepy hockey fan art. Pages 6 to 9 are where it gets really bizarre so I suggest you check out those posts immediately.
OK, I feel like I need brain bleach after seeing the “Kainme” because that was some weird shit. Yikes, yikes, yikes! So you’re asking how exactly this nightmare of a thread is relevant in any way, well there are some Kaleta drawings on page 8 so that is how.
Let’s Mix in Some Swords
I'm having way too much fun trying to mix in Beddee's Game of Thrones characters with hockey players. Without a doubt Kaleta would be The Mountain. Huge jerk, complete lack of respect for other people and he chopped the head off a horse! Fine, Kaleta didn’t chop the heads off any animals but his head-butting is the modern day hockey version of head chopping. Yeah, I know that is a stretch, but just go with it. The Mountain is an ass, nobody likes him and he tried to hurt my beautiful Loras. Kaleta is an ass, nobody likes him and he maybe tried to hurt my beautiful Kaner. See, they are exactly alike.
** A million thanks to @Daniel11496 for creating this beauty of a picture for me. He is the best and you should absolutely follow him!