Thursday, September 13, 2012

Ryan Whitney - Edmonton Oilers

In preparation for the upcoming season I am going to feature one player from every team in the NHL. Goalies are excluded because they’re interesting enough to garner a feature of their own so look forward to that as round 2.

#6 Ryan Whitney – Edmonton Oilers – Defense

The Past
You really didn’t think Saucer would pass up the chance to write about an American defenseman, did you? Come on, have you been paying attention at all?? Ryan Whitney is from Massachusetts and was drafted 5th overall in 2002. He attended Boston University before playing with the Penguins AHL team for a couple seasons and then moved into the NHL. He has played for Pittsburgh, Anaheim, and now Edmonton.

The Love
Whitney is pretty much an asshole, well at least the part of himself he shares with the twitterverse is pretty much an asshole. Notice how I’m saying this under the section titled “The Love”? Yup, Whitney is one of Saucer’s favorite NHLers on twitter. He is almost always grumpy and complains about the weather, traffic, what is on TV…yeah he complains about most everything. But the reason I like him so much is because when chirped he absolutely destroys people, no holding back. It’s fucking magical and if you aren’t following him you are an idiot.
Below is an example of a typical Whitney response when provoked:

Why are people so rude? I can’t imagine just throwing out random, super mean tweets to anybody. That Dan G above is a tool.
OK, here is another example:

So people expect Whitney to talk shit now and I think a lot of people just chirp him so he’ll respond and they’ll get retweeted. That’s why the responses below were especially hilarious. Christ, I love Ryan Whitney.

The Hate

Well, I probably don’t need to explain myself here. But in case the picture above isn’t enough check out the video below.

Let’s Get Scrappy
Whitney has been in his share of NHL fights and is pretty fun to watch, except for when he’s fighting Jeff Carter. Please Ryan, stay away from Jeff Carter. Saucer has a huge, no longer secret, crush on him.

Feed the Inner Fangirl/Fanboy 
OK, a little personal info on Saucer – I’m Irish and chirpy as hell so Ryan Whitney is basically my dream guy. Even though I like him there is a 100% chance I would get into some type of argument with Whitney were we ever to meet. There is also a 100% chance I would want to have hate sex with him. Yup, I have had a little crush on Whitney since he went to the Oilers and I blame that stupid freakin Oil Change show, of which I am faithful viewer, for making me love pretty much everyone on that team.
My crush was heightened this summer when Whitney and his buddies tweeted up a storm as part of the Cleary/Horcoff Invitational, a 3-city golf extravaganza this summer hosted by…well I guess that is pretty obvious.  Their twitter chatter has become the porno I make up in my head before falling asleep every night with Whitney, Modano, Eberle, and Commodore (GO SIOUX) chirping each other over their apparent lack of golf skills.

Let’s Mix in Some Swords
It is a no brainer than in Game of Thrones Ryan Whitney would be Jaime Lannister. Not because we think he is banging his sister but because he has that attitude. You know what I’m talking about girls. Both are really confident and pretty much jerks, but something draws us in anyway. Whitney and Jaime are both those asshole guys who we can’t help but crush on even though we know they would be bad news and leave us crying. We know there wouldn’t be a happy endingfairy tale ending but sometimes hanging with the bad boy is worth it.

~ Saucer

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